This is a repost by popular demand. So, last year I wrote a really scathing post about Trulia blackhatting SEO and getting banned. It was, shall we say, riddled with sarcasm and I may or may not have used the term “flock taco” to describe their SEO. Hint, I definitely did. In any case, it resulted in about 200 direct messages, emails and IMs that could only be described as “break ups.” I personally found them hilarious and had to repost them with my own commentary. When I decided to restart this blog, it was a post that people kept begging me repost – so without further preamble…
So, the great Trulia post of 2009 made such a hit on Twitter and AR, I received over 100 “break up” tweets, emails, comments and messages. Who knew so many people felt like they were basically dating me? I was also told by Rich Jacobson of Active Rain that I need to get God/Jesus/Restoration in my life. Seriously, even God got dragged into the conversation! God, really? I need God cuz I use the F word? That has an awesome factor not even I could have seen coming and I know awesomeness. OK, I need to pull in an outside opinion on this one – Winston Churchill said “Profanity is only a crime against polite society not God.” And I think Winston told Hitler, Himmler, Lady Astor, all of India and a whole slew of other peeps and countries to “flock off” and he totally saved England, so I’m gonna go with that as sage advice. Although, I do apologize for ignoring the AR TOS, but hey- I break rules, it’s what I do. I promise to not break it again in the same way.
Now, since I am actually a connoisseur of hate mail – I have a special folder for it and I love to read it over and over because it makes me laugh that someone who doesn’t know me at all would spend so much time telling me all the ways in which I am a complete douche bag, why they hate me and why they will never listen to anything I ever say again even though I keep seeing their mug on MyBlogLog widget. I kind of look at hate mail to people you don’t know as the equivalent of sending a Porn Star fan mail with the request for a date and glorious professions of love. You know, pathetic. So, without further ado – my top 5 tweets from people that “broke up” with me yesterday and today.
1. TWEET – You’ve changed, unfollowed
WHAT POPS INTO MARY’S MIND WHEN SHE READS THAT TWEET? – Who the flock is this person? How do you know me – I don’t know you and if you don’t know me how do you know I changed? I am so bloody confused, my mind can’t even handle the circular loop it has found itself in after reading this.
2. TWEET – You are a nasty bitch that says f!#%! too much. I don’ want you in my life anymore.
WHAT POPS INTO MARY’S MIND WHEN SHE READS THAT TWEET? - Well, this one is just true, so I will take it on the chin. No, no, I won’t – “well f!#%! you too,” I’m gonna unfollow you too – oh wait – I was never following you in the first place. So, again I am baffled at why you needed to tell me that, why you wouldn’t think I already know this and why you would think I care. One other thought - yeah, please explain to me how I was “in” your life? Do you keep a little shrine to me in your bedroom closet? Hang a Mary McKnight Voodoo Doll in effigy in your living room? I need an explanation because it’s a little creepy you felt I was “in” your life when I have no idea who you are.
3. TWEET – I used to go to conferences to watch you speak. I won’t now.
WHAT POPS INTO MARY’S MIND WHEN SHE READS THAT TWEET? – I am considering getting a restraining order because this is creepily close to stalking and I hate to say it but this also sounds like an excuse for you to stop your very important continuing education and in a market like this, you need all the education you can get!
4. TWEET - I almost asked you out on a date at Inman but am glad I didn’t
WHAT POPS INTO MARY’S MIND WHEN SHE READS THAT TWEET? – I AM getting a restraining order, because this IS stalking because I have no idea who this person is, but they apparently were about to date me, very possibly against my will. Although, it also makes me think, wow, I may have only narrowly avoided being date raped at Inman.
5. TWEET - You have a big ass. I am unfriending you.
WHAT POPS INTO MARY’S MIND WHEN SHE READS THAT TWEET? – You may be dyslexic – I am a big ASS but I don’t have a BIG ass (Thanks to @lcammarosa for the hominem)- I’d like to add, I do imagine this person smells funny. Take that insult to the bank, cash it in and get some bail-out money. Also, ummmm, I don’t want to knit pick here, but I didn’t know we were friends in the first place, but thanks for finally notifying me now that it’s over. I can more fully appreciate the loss of your friendship now that I know we used to be friends.
Feel a burning desire to unfollow, unfriend or generally tell me what a total douche I am?
Please, please, I beg you, and anyone else that you might know that also may not actually know me to find my social network profiles here and give it a bash:
Popularity: unranked [?]
