I need to caveat this with – if you offended by the F word or have an abnormal love for Pandas don’t read this post- you are sure to be completely and irrevocably offended. This is the very post that launched 1,000 PETA freaks unleashing on me over at sacriliciousmarketing.com so steer clear if you are easily offended.
The one key thing I ever took away from those school field trips to the zoo was that Panda’s are so freakin’ lazy they deserve to be endangered and we should stop helping their lazy asses. I also took away that I never wanted to be a zoo keeper because they have to shovel lion poop and I can’t think of anything more degrading-ly dangerous (but this point is irrelevant to the story at hand). For those of you that skipped field trips to Zoos, here’s the skinny on the fat lazy but completely adorable Panda. Pandas are so lazy they can not mate without a tactical team of Chinese zoo keepers. My brain nearly explodes at the thought of a bear that will not procreate (the only thing it really ever has to do for survival) and sticks to eating plant life more lazy than itself, bamboo. Clearly bamboo does not do anything for testosterone levels (just a note to the guys, stay the hell away from anything made of bamboo – your very manhood is at stake!). Don’t you just want to shake this fur ball and yell, “you’re a fucking bear! Go screw a mamma bear and eat meat.”
Alright, so now that we have effectively given a Panda a pep talk, let’s take this back to a marketing level. There is something to be said for taking the bull by it’s horns. Aggression in business and even marketing is essential. No matter if you are male, female, shemale, other… you got to have huevos to get your brand, company, product, service etc out there. You need to make sure that your marketing is so effective and viral that it mates with the market. It has such inherent sex appeal that lusty little consumers everywhere have to have whatever the heck you’re selling.
1. Be bold
I’m writing the following with the understanding that you probably havent recently sustained a closed head injury and do, indeed, understand that tens of thousands of other bloggers, businesses, advertisers, etc are out there buying ad space and marketing products similar if not identical to your own and and trying to reach the very same people you are. So, how exactly do you set your product, service or blog apart from those hacks and capture the minds and hearts of your market? You MUST be bold, brazen, controversial, insightful, funny and most importantly, USEFUL to get your market to notice, remember and eventually buy your product.
Read also: Go Big or Go Home: Why Being Big is Critical to Getting Noticed
Use some wit in your marketing pieces. Don’t give ‘em just the facts, maam. Sell them the dream without selling anything. Make your product irresistible and make your customer WANT to buy it. It’s got to be like crack! Give it a killer website. Something easy to navigate that calls them to action (this means there is a big ass shiny button at the top of the page that says something like “buy now and your fat ass will be skinny by Xmas.” See how that hit hard at the core of lazy Panda’s everywhere if they celebrated Christian holidays?
2. Be viral
Know how to create link bait. It ain’t tricky. You gotta get people to your site right? Not everyone’s product is earthshattering. So, talk about something other than your product, something that will connect with your market, offend the, get them talking, force them to learn something completely useful or completely useless, make them laugh, etc. This could be a goofy YouTube video like Jon Lajoie’s Everyday Normal Guy or a top ten list that simply makes you bust a nut and shoot milk out your nose like you can find on Cracked (The 6 Deadliest Creatures That Can Fit In Your Shoe ). Get some traffic to your site and get people to interact.
3. Be consistent
Pimp all your social network profiles so they have links to your website and custom logos and backgrounds if the network allows. Always make sure people can immeidately and visually recognize one of your profiles or sites by the customizing it so it matches the branding of your company. Mismatched sites and profiles just make you look like a fashion victim that needs a trip back to Kmart for the latest in loungewear from the Kathy Lee Child Labor Collection. So, pimp your profiles. It is essential to your status as a fashionista.
4. Be vocal
Much like the old adage about the tree falling in the forest with nobody to hear it, if you have a website but nobody reads you, you are just another loser with a website. So, go out and get your ass on MySpace, Twitter, Youtube and FaceBook. And don’t be a tard – be a real person over there not a corporate face! Say absurd things, friend, tweet, follow, connect, comment. Basically interact- if you don’t interact, you aren’t using the networks effectively or building a network. Work the room, even if that room is online. Also, always network UP. Don’t only follow your existing friends, seek out peeps you admire, peeps that are interesting, peeps with cajones, peeps with connections. Basically – be a Prom King or Queen not the turd int he corner eating their boogers by themselves.
5. Be real
OMFG – I cannot say how much it annoys me to meet someone in real life after meeting them online. I love the Grade A A-hole (GAAH). (I think we kind of seek each other out). So, I often find myself running in packs with the GAAH online. But I can’t tell you how many times I have met an online GAAH and found and offline Xanax wrapped in insecurity. So, be who you are online not who you want to be. It’s critical to the overall success of your online personality and your business.
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